Resources

Dressing the Occasion

What is expected of us when attending a funeral service today is far different from the expectations of those living in the Victorian era. According to Alison Petch, a researcher Oxford University, "In those years, black clothing was worn for the funeral and for a year following the death...by close relatives, gradually being replaced by other dark colours." 

As we moved into the twentieth century, the Roman and Victorian demands became less strict. "People attending a funeral wore semi-formal clothing, which for adult men would usually mean a suit and tie in dark colours".

Without a doubt, these strict special dress requirements have fallen by the wayside, at least to some degree. Although many websites proclaim that black is the right colour to wear for a funeral today, wearing a colour other than black isn't seen as disrespectful; but you want to avoid wearing brightly coloured or wildly patterned fabrics (unless actually requested to do so by the family). And for women or girls, a modest appearance is preferred.

Certainly, if you've got additional questions about what to wear to a funeral, call us.

Get Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally Prepared

The death of a loved one is among the most stressful experiences we will ever endure. The early days of bereavement, are a time of frayed nerves, when emotions run high and hours of restful sleep are hard to find. These difficult days are then followed by the funeral service (where, even though you're grief stricken, you're expected to perform with some social grace). How can you possibly survive; or better yet thrive, during such trials as these? Here are some suggestions we believe you'll find valuable.

The tendency when something bad happens to us, like the death of a loved one, is to detach from our physical, emotional and social selves. To "get numb, and stay that way" - but this effort to separate ourselves from what's happening isn't always in our best interest. Instead, you should seek to be "mindful": to keep your awareness on the present moment (not the past, and certainly not the future); all the while acknowledging (and accepting) your feelings, thoughts, and bodily reactions to your loss. Only then can you, in the words of Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer, accept the things that cannot be changed, have the courage to change the things which can (and should) be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Certainly, you cannot change the fact your loved one has died; but you can change (at least to some degree) the way you react to the loss—and that takes a certain sense of mindful self-awareness. 

The list of physical symptoms of grief is long: fatigue, body aches and pains, loss or change of appetite, shortness of breath, digestive issues, feelings of heaviness, and tightness in your throat or chest. When faced with an onslaught of physical symptoms like these, it's hard to know exactly how to deal with them. The first step is to recognize and name what your body is experiencing. Only then can you do something to change the way you're reacting to the loss. During these days before the funeral:



• Stay hydrated: drink eight (8 ounce) glasses of water.
  
• Eat regularly: small meals and snacks are often better-accepted than large, calorie-laden ones.
  
• Rest regularly: you may find nights are long and sleepless, so don't be adverse to taking short cat-naps throughout the day.
  
• Move your body: take a walk or hike, go to the gym, or enjoy a leisurely swim.
  
• Nurture your senses: listen to music or the sounds that abound in nature.
  
• Engage in prayer or meditation: tap into, or get reacquainted with, your spiritual side.
  
• Reduce your list of necessary activities and chores: now is the time to delegate tasks to others, so you can devote your time to self-care.

Neighbours, friends and family members can be your lifeline right now - and some of them may even be coming to you right now to see how they can help. Don't turn them away; instead, give them the opportunity to give the gift of service. Allow them to walk this path with you for as long as, and in whatever ways, they can. The same goes for the network of professional caregivers: don't neglect to turn to clergy, your family physician, therapist, or grief counsellor if you feel your bereavement to be more than you can handle (now, or at any time in the future).

End-of-life ceremonies (whether a "traditional" funeral, memorial service or celebration of life) offer those gathered the chance to share their feelings, tell stories and take comfort from one another. Don't spend too much time talking, unless it's to share something truly meaningful (about the deceased and your relationship to him or her) with others; instead, be ready to listen with a whole heart. This is a time for respectful interactions with other mourners; a time for focusing on the life of the deceased, and also a time for renewing the ties which brought you all together in the first place.

Sources:

1. Shakespeare, William, "Henry V" 
   
2. Petch , Alison, "Funeral and Mourning Clothing", England, the Other Within, accessed March, 2015